Hi friends - It's been a while.
I spent the past two months wondering what would be best to write about as my first post back in a while. I felt that so many important moments have happened since May that deserve to be written about and shared. I continued to read the blog posts I have saved in my drafts from months ago. Nothing felt like the correct thing to bring me back to my therapeutic writing. Then I woke up this morning knowing exactly what to write about as my first post back.
Exactly one year ago, I looked into the face of the person who caused me the most hurt in this world, for the last time. One year ago today, those closest to me peeled me off of an icy sidewalk while my heart was shattering inside my chest. One year ago, my trust was broken in more ways than I knew possible. One year ago, those closest to me prayed over me, not knowing how else to help me. One year ago, I didn't want to continue to live.
I look back on the past year. I think about all the times I questioned where I went wrong. I wonder on a regular basis what I could have done differently. Then I remind myself that I cannot continue to blame myself for the outcome of my decisions. I couldn't have stopped what happened. I couldn't have stopped what happened in the weeks leading up to that night.
Deep down, I think I knew that the situation with him was wrong. But he gave me butterflies, and I liked those butterflies and the way he made me feel - at the beginning that is. I question now if those butterflies were my body's warning signs. I ask myself how I could've missed all of the warning signs and all of the red flags.
My therapist told me back in January that it was possible, and very healthy, to find forgiveness. It's been a year and I can't find a single ounce of forgiveness in my body for him. Last week, it hit me that maybe the forgiveness my therapist mentioned, didn't have to be for him. It could be for me.
It's been one year - 365 days - 52 weeks - 12 months - 525,600 minutes since I last looked into his face. Before I walked away and didn't turn around. Before the massive amount of therapy and support from those closest to me.
I remind myself that the situations a year ago made me into the person I am now. All the trauma and nightmares I had, and have, forced me to make decisions that out myself before anyone else. And as shitty, and fucked up as those situations were, I wonder about the good I've done because of them. I wonder and hope that people reading these posts (the small, but mighty number of you), feel a little less alone in the aftermath of the shitty situations you go through.
That's my hope as I reflect upon the past year. What can you do in a year's time and how do your hopes and experiences help others? How can you take the horrible things that have happened in your life, and turn them into making a positive impact on those around you?
I spent today avoiding my thoughts about this time last year, but I spent tonight hoping that my shitty situations have made an impact. I spent tonight with those thoughts about a year ago. I took a walk to the space on the sidewalk where I last looked him in the face. I spent time tonight in that uncomfortability. And come tomorrow, I'll continue to grow and make more positive impacts in other's life.
All my love,
Kenzie <3
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