I have this paralyzing fear that I might never forget the memories I made with him. I have these internal battles with myself sometimes. The larger part of me says that I'm so strong for moving forward. For pushing back when things got tough. For saying, "No. That's not healthy, it's not what I deserve." But that smallest part of my being, the part that misses the memories made, and the happy times I had with him. It's so overpowering. It hits me out of nowhere. And then, I have to fight myself to understand that in the end, I made the decision to move forward - I can't just give up on that now.
I think in my head, I painted a picture of the man he could become, not the man he was at that moment.
"Can we try just one more time? Just try - one. more. time."
The past four months, I woke up most mornings telling myself this. I wasn't living like each day was my last - I was just trying to stay alive through each day. To my surprise, each day got easier. The panic attacks weren't occurring as often, the nightmares started to go away, I didn't think of him as much, I started to accept that it wasn't my fault, and I started to smile again.
I hope one day, not a single part of my being continues to blame myself for everything that happened. It's such a heavy burden to carry and I wish the answer was as simple as just "put it down".
Friendly reminder: your brain is going to believe everything that you tell it. So be nice.
You are doing a great job. Despite how exhausted and defeated and tired you may feel. You are doing a great job. You are doing enough. Whether you feel like you are or not. You are not a burden, whether you feel like you are or not. You are worthy. Whether you feel like you are worthy. And you should be proud of yourself for getting through all of this - because this sh*t is hard!
One day, you'll look back at everything you've overcome, and you'll get to say, "I did that." Everyone else who's experiencing similar things will point to you and say, "See?!? She did that! I can do it too!" That's hope. No one gets to hear your story if you quit. So, I need you to hang in there a little bit longer. And find some hope so you can give someone else the same hope.
Your place on this earth is nonnegotiable.
Love always,
Kenzie <3
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